Attachment Wounds
You physically do not want to be here and you will go to great lengths to de-attach from the people that you love, trust, and care about. You will go to great lengths to also attach yourself and try to not have the other person give up or leave. I think my favorite person is going to leave and I think I pushed her away — She used to someone I thought I could trust and then her dismissive responses were what they were yesterday. It was everything I feared as a result of my prior experiences, and yet, another person is leaving for good. It feels like my heart is torn into a million tiny fragments and there is no way out. I’ve tried to escape through marijuana and I think I just lost my voice, on top of being sick right now; I have some mini cold at this moment.
Having attachment wounds feels debilitating almost — There’s a knot in the pit of your stomach and you want to throw up but nothing is coming out. I used to say abandonment woundsi — I know just say attachment wounds because I strongly feel it’s like the same thing. You feel empty, numb, and lost because you feel abandoned — It’s because of your attachment and the empty voids you have been trying to fill your whole entire life — It’s the missing puzzle piece from when you were a very young child when your own parents could not even parent themselves — When you have been craving for care and love your entire life and people leave because you’re overwhelming. It’s a pattern of repeats and the cycle is not so friendly to me.
Attaching yourself to older females that could be my mother but they’re not even blood related and I have never disclosed that to anyone — This is one part of having abandonment wounds that I do not talk about. When my own mother was distant and she would prioritize work just to be away from my abusive father, my sister and I were crying out for parents. My father drank in the basement in his speedo boxers with a beer bottle in his hands. I also do not drink much these days because of that monster. Marijuana, on the other hand, works best for me and today will be a going down memory lane type of day.
At five years old, you’re standing at the classroom door and waiting for your mother to come back when she literally just dropped you off at school. You have always been attached to your mother and her absence for even thirty seconds crushes you. When your Mom does not come back to the school, your heart crushes even more and you’re unable to piece together why and you wonder what you did wrong. As an adult, you start to attach yourself to older females that provide some form of affection to you and you start to fantasize your own family with these people as messed up as that is. From emotional to rational mind, you realize that these attachments are not realistic and that these people are not your family but just people. You start to cry and you do not know how to further escape — The pain gets so deep that you just want a way out and you will do anything to take the pain away, not only from yourself, but from others that you have attached yourself to and burdened.
My favorite person tells me all the time how I have not burdened her — Have I really not burdened you or are you just saying that to make me feel better? Sometimes peoples words, I don’t believe. When someone says that they care for and love me, I don’t believe it because I don’t feel that I am really deserving of love and care. I mean, my own mother never told me that she loved me through the 29 years of my existence. Why do you think that as an adult right now, I don’t even know what love is and so I feel like I’m looking for love in the wrong people when I should be looking for this in my Mom who is the most dismissive and invalidating person there is.
I used to look up to my mother and, now, I really don’t know. I remember surprising my Mom with flowers at 3:00am and she asked me why I was here. I had flowers in my hands and I wanted to make her happy. You know it feels to make someone happy but they’re not happy? I feel that emotion of the other person so intensely and it becomes personal very fast. Sometimes, such as right now, I want to be with my Mom right now. I want to be in my Mom’s arms but I know that this will never happen. I’ve been broken and in a dark corner for many years and I can’t begin to explain the soul crushing feeling of this.
Attachment wounds can just be feeling alone and not having anyone to go to when you absolutely need someone. This person does not even have to say anything but just be there.
My favorite person says I expect a lot from her but I really don’t. I do wish she can be here with me and she can be doing her school work but her presence would mean a lot. Sometimes to have someone there with us is more meaningful than anything. Sometimes to have someone else’s presence there with us can make a difference and keep us safe. I said the word safe because I never feel safe most of the time. However, I feel safe with my favorite person and I do trust her even though her messages last night were dismissive and invalidating. I can only hope that she will care for and love me again but I’m not too sure anymore. Mystic is in a very dark place and I’m in emotional mind while trying to challenge my thoughts but I cannot. I know that the weighted unicorn she got me means a lot and that’s the only material thing I have. Again, the fact this came from my favorite person means everything. I also know that she’s struggling while trying to balance life and its hardships like myself too.
With attachment wounds, I badly want to hide underneath my covers and not have to face people because of the feeling of being misunderstood and not listened too.
To feel like a burden to your own mother is the toughest feeling to try to challenge because that is my mother. Everything goes back to her though — She was supposed to love and care for me but displayed no affection whats so ever. She was more so a friend but not a mother and trying to look for a mother in this world is the toughest task ever.
-Mystic
