Contemplation
My day started off at 5:00am in tears and I got through it as usual. The tears brought on a range of emotions from happiness to sadness to upset and even to anger. Upon challenging these feelings throughout the day, my brain would not turn off and I knew I was clearly in emotional mind for a few hours of the morning. It was quiet during my shadow shift for the bulk of the morning up until 2:00pm. After wards, it got busy and I was able to obtain the experience needed in terms of professional development and skillset. Today has been a roller coaster of too many overwhelming emotions and I’ve had many thoughts of checking in somewhere after my shift in the evening — I am too afraid to do that even though my favorite person keeps encouraging and reminding me to reach out for the professional supports as needed. It also does not help that I woke up and I was sick with a slight temperature of 37.5. I took a Tylenol throughout the door which helped! Tomorrow, I will be taking Neocitran with me to work because I really cannot afford to call into my shifts especially with the way our economy is going.
I’m telling you that the more encouragement and reminders that are given to me, the more I continue to reach out. As human beings though, we all need this and, sometimes, we are unable to take on everything ourselves.
My favorite person told me this evening that it took a ton of guidance from others to get the appropriate help and support that she deserved. She’s inspiring and I look up to her a lot.
This person taught me about my own neurodivergence and autism in general. However, I knew I was autistic or that something was off from a very young age, but, as a result of being bullied and shamed even more, I kept it in, and I would high mask. As a result of high masking, people that I used to talk to in the past assume I am faking my autism when I’m not. I’ve had someone from the past continously tell me that I am not autistic because I do not have a diagnosis. Self diagnosis is very valid in the autistic community. I do, however, have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) as a formalized diagnosis. I absolutely refuse to look at the petty and incorrect label of Borderline Personality Disorder. As an autistic, we have to continuously self advocate for ourselves and this is also what my favorite person taught me. For privacy and confidentiality purposes, I will only use favorite person instead of my friends name here. She does mean a lot to me, though, and I like to remind her of this every day.
Just like all of us, I struggle a lot with my mental health as I have the tendency to over think and then I make situations worse as I’m clouded by my own trust issues and negative views of myself. As I told my favorite person on my hour lunch break, I told her not to take my emails and messages to heart. I added that I was not in the right state of mind and that I value our friendship and the interactions. To think about it, this one person has really impacted my life in such a positive way that I’m so grateful and appreciative for. Where was this person when I first started out on my own?
I know that there’s reasons why people cross paths with others.
People come into our lives for reasons, seasons, and lifetimes.
My favorite person taught me this. She also taught me the following,
Sometimes, we must swim on our own. I can only guide you so much.
When I think about swimming on my own, I think about the word courage. I need to look up more quotes and/or affirmations to better guide my thinking this week. That, I will do!
Not a single person in this world has really taken the time and patience to want to help me, and it does not take that much if I’m being honest. I just need guidance, almost as if a mother is guiding her children, and it’s difficult because I’m on my own and I’m doing it every single day. I’m on my own and I’m navigating this journey called life without much support — To think about it though, I do have support and it’s not only my favorite person but there’s a lot of other great communities (yes, online) but also in real life that I’ve formed great bonds with. Most of these people though are neurodivergent and autistic such as myself. I tried to make friends with neurotypicals but it was very challenging and I don’t mean to sound offensive here so I do apologize!
I was thinking a ton about my favorite person today and how she was doing. I’m still thinking about the impacts of my words and behavior. We’re all working on things every day and that is okay. Communication is a must amongst genuine friendships.
I know from previous interactions, she expressed how she’s overwhelmed and struggling. I am too. I went from emotional to rationale mind earlier today, and I’m still, somewhat, self reflecting right now.
When I’m not really active on X, I’m thinking, and it’s a good thing, because as human beings, we need to think from time to time. As I mentioned and I’m sure a lot of you know me well by now but I’m an overthinker.
I do plan to take a mini get away this weekend to re-visit my childhood home. It’s a few hours away — About eight hours. Doing this would definitely mend a few of my childhood wounds and it’s part of my own healing process. I can’t explain it and we all heal differently.
Re-visiting my childhood home will be worth the travel time. It’ll be a sixteen hour day, but I need to do this because that is where the memories will start flooding my mind and, maybe, I can piece a few things together. I’m tempted to go for Friday morning and take a paid sick day on this day because I need to do this for myself. I need to figure out a few things. I could use the extra long weekend too! Where I grew up is super nice, and there’s a park that I used to go to all of the time just to escape from the chaoticness of my home. I will also re-visit that park, too.
Throughout the shift, I went on my lunch and I ate some good food and felt instantly better. I also went on a walk and I love having one hour lunch breaks. It was slightly warmer in the afternoon than the evening temperature. Like, summer really needs to come quickly okay! The walk also helped to think a lot clearer and how my words and behavior may be impacting my favorite person. I’m glad that we both communicated our feelings and it seems okay right now. We both process very differently and I’m happy she’s okay. I know she’s a very loving person and I am grateful for someone like that.
Last night, I got really attached and my abandonment wounds went into hyperdrive. I got upset because she didn’t say “goodnight” and I had an autistic meltdown where I was just losing it. She eventually said, “good night” and I felt like a terrible person. I thought she also disappeared and abandoned me for good, and this brought up terrible memories from when my father abandoned my sister and I many times growing up. When you said affectionate words to my father, he would get physically abusive and I really do not want to get into that so I never grew up around love at all.
My father was never there. He was distant and dismissed and invalidated my feelings — He never participated in any school outings and abused substances all of the time. I once came home from school to find him passed out and drunk with a beer bottle in his hands and on the toilet. As a ten year old at the time, I had to haul his a$$ off the toilet seat and to his couch — His couch, which had lovely cigarette and burn markings all over it.
He was psychologically abusive and a bully while growing up, and my mother is very much so aware of it. That is why she left my father once my sister and I turned eighteen years old and decided to chase after her own happiness. As a result, this left damaging effects on my sister and I with even more abandonment wounds to try and heal from. My sister and I were very close to our Mom.
That being said though, I’m trying to heal. By healing, I have to talk about this and to talk about my abandonment wounds — This does not have to only be discussed in therapy but through writing too. When we write, we are healing and releasing parts of ourselves that we have always wanted to vocalize or try to communicate to others. This helps.
Writing is my outlet.
I thought about ending this entry with a beautiful resilience mantra:
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Thank you for reading!! 💖🖤
-Mystic
