High Functioning Autism

Ever been told that you’re faking autism because you can clearly function well and maintain yourself very well in society? I’ve been told that I’m not autistic by people who claim to know but don’t know me. By this, I mean to say that I share what I want others to know and I don’t necessarily share my autistic traits because there’s this fear of being made fun of. From last year to even right now, I’ve made sure to be very transparent with my own neurodivergence because it helps. I’ve realized that, on top of autistic high masking, I’ve been showing autistic traits my entire life without realizing it.

Yesterday I was stimming apparently when I had to ask one of the managers for assistance with a job task and I needed further clarity. In order to cope and calm the anxiety, I saw this taped paper on the desk and I wanted to badly take it off and the manager person even said that he plans to take it off. Right in front of the placement student and the manager, I eagerly took off the paper which actually helped a lot with my anxiety — At the same time, I asked for help and clarity with the job task and this eased my stress and anxiety a lot. The placement student made a comment, “the amount of woman that go undiagnosed with adhd/autism is very common” and he added an observation about stimming behaviors to help us cope. Apparently and if I really think about it, I’ve been stimming my entire life without even realizing that I’m stimming. Stimming can look like what ‘calms’ us down when we’re very anxious — It’s our own, personal coping mechanism.

From the image above, I can resonate with the majority of these. The type of stimming behaviors that I do are of the following:

• Masking repeated mouth sounds
• Gazing into the distance — I’m pretty sure this scares and/or annoys my colleagues at times because I find I’ve been doing this more frequently, but it helps me … A LOT.
• Repeated blinking — My mother used to tell me to stop blinking so fast and hard, otherwise there will be eventual issues in a few years.
• Turning the light switch on & off — I did this a lot as a child.
• Licking — I’m doing this right now. Whether it is licking and rubbing the top/roof of my mouth (inside part) or licking my lips, I do this A LOT.
• Chewing
• Pacing — I definitely do this a lot and I’m quite sure my colleagues have noticed this.
• Singing/humming repeated phrases.

So that’s stimming, and then there’s the autistic mask I put on in public and whenever I’m around people and this includes taking public transportation.

As autistics, we are destined to feel and be someone but, at times, we don’t know how to be the someone that we want to be and it’s like a piece of our identity is missing — Even when we attempt to locate that identity piece, it is very challenging and then we shut down. As of right now, I am feeling very shut down, and there’s a very important meeting tomorrow, and I honestly have no more spoons for this meeting.

But I have to somewhat find those spoons whether that’s taking a very hot shower every evening to de-compress from work, taking my time to do things at work because I’m only one person — Coloring consistently until I somewhat feel better — And even going on lengthy nature walks and even if those walks last me about 6 hours or more, that’s okay. As long as I feel better in the end, that is what matters.

Communication has always and is still been a huge stressor, and it is very anxiety inducing at times. I’m not too sure how to explain it. I can be in conversation and I, admittingly, have no idea what’s going on. There’s just a conversation going on, but I’ll be nodding my head up and down, which is usually indicative and a cue that I possibly understand what is being said. Always clarify with the receiver that they further understand what is being said.

Communication has always been an issue and I struggle immensely with my own auditory processing. I have a slight learning disability but I’ve, unfortunately, never been taken too seriously for that. I’ve been assessed and I’ve undergone specialized tests as a kid. I know this had to do with financial issues. My family was not the richest. I grew up in a poverty-stricken area. However, I survived.

I managed childhood as an undiagnosed autistic. Even through adulthood, I am still managing with very little spoons.

People may not my internalized struggles and challenges, and that is okay. People don’t really need to know anything — It’s only if I feel comfortable disclosing certain things to people.

I know many of us struggle with high functioning autism and it is more common than one thinks. There’s still a ton of shame and stigma when it comes to autism spectrum disorder but, the more we talk about it, the better. The more we talk about our challenges as an autistic person, the heightened awareness and understanding we can provide to others out there.

Change begins with us.

💖✨️